Marriages thrive on the small, everyday interactions that knit couples together. Leading relationship expert Dr. John Gottman calls these interactions "bids for connection." But what exactly are these bids, and why do they matter so much in a marriage?
What Are Bids for Connection?
Imagine your partner comes home after a long day and says, "I had a tough day at work today." This simple statement is one example of a bid for connection. It's their way of reaching out, hoping to connect with you emotionally. Bids can be verbal, like sharing something about their day, or non-verbal, like a smile, a touch, or even a shared glance.
The Importance of Bids in Marriage
Responding to these bids positively is crucial. It's like adding small but significant deposits into the emotional bank account of your marriage. Over time, these small deposits add up, creating a reservoir of goodwill and trust.
How to Respond to Bids
When your partner makes a bid for connection, you have three ways to respond:
Turning Toward: This means acknowledging the bid and responding positively. For example, if your partner says, "Let's sit down for dinner and talk," and you respond with, "That sounds great, let's do it," you're turning toward their bid. This response fosters connection and shows that you value their efforts to engage.
Turning Away: This means ignoring or not noticing the bid. Imagine your partner suggests sitting down for dinner and talking, but you're engrossed in your phone and don't respond. This can make your partner feel ignored or unimportant, even if that wasn't your intention.
Turning Against: This means responding negatively. If your partner says, "Let's sit down for dinner and talk," and you snap back with, "I'm not in the mood," you're turning against their bid. This kind of response can create distance and hurt feelings.
Why It Matters
Turning toward your partner’s bids is like adding glue to the relationship, making it stronger and more resilient. On the other hand, consistently turning away or against these bids can lead to feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction.
Real-Life Example
Let's put this into a real-life scenario. Imagine a wife says to her husband, "I had a really rough day at work. Can we sit down for dinner and talk?" If the husband responds with, "I'm sorry to hear that. Let's sit down and talk about it over dinner," he is turning toward her bid. This response makes her feel heard and supported. If he responds with, "I can't deal with this right now," or doesn't respond at all, she might feel ignored or undervalued, which can slowly erode the connection between them.
Small Gestures, Big Impact
It's not just the words we say but also the little actions we take. A hug, a smile, or holding hands can be powerful bids for connection. They might seem small, but these gestures can significantly impact the overall health of the relationship.
Building a Stronger Marriage
The next time your partner makes a bid for connection, consider how you respond. Turning toward these bids, no matter how small, can help build a stronger, happier marriage. It's about making your partner feel valued and loved in the everyday moments.
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s easy to overlook these small bids. However, paying attention to them and responding positively can transform your relationship. Remember, marriage isn’t just about the big moments; it’s about the myriad of little moments that connect us daily.
So, the next time your partner reaches out, recognize it as a bid for connection and turn toward them. It’s these small, everyday positive gestures that truly strengthen the bond of marriage.
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If you want to learn more, call us at 912.710.3116 or checkout one of our Holloway Marriage Workshops.
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BONUS
18 Examples of Bids for Connection
Verbal Bids:
"How was your day?"
"Can we talk about something that's been on my mind?"
"Do you want to watch a movie together tonight?"
"What do you think about this idea?"
"I read something interesting today, want to hear about it?"
Non-Verbal Bids:
Smiling at your partner when they walk into the room.
Giving a spontaneous hug or kiss.
Reaching out to hold their hand.
Sitting close to them on the couch.
Gently touching their arm during a conversation.
Actions as Bids:
Making their favorite meal and inviting them to eat together.
Suggesting a walk or a drive together.
Sending a funny meme or video that reminded you of them.
Bringing them a cup of coffee or tea.
Planning a surprise date or outing.
Emotional Bids:
Sharing a personal story or experience.
Expressing appreciation or gratitude for something they did.
Asking for their advice or opinion.
Showing interest in their hobbies or interests.
Offering comfort or support when they seem upset.
Angry Bids:
"Why don't you ever listen to me when I'm talking?"
"Do you even care about what I'm feeling right now?"
"Why do you always ignore me when I need you?"
These examples illustrate the various ways partners can make bids for connection, whether through words, gestures, actions, or even expressions of frustration. Recognizing and responding to these bids can help strengthen the relationship.
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