Emotions play a central role in our relationships, often shaping our perceptions of our partners. While emotions can bring us closer together, they can also drive us apart, especially when we fall into the trap of emotional reasoning. -- This thinking error occurs when we mistake our feelings for facts. And if science and religion agree on anything, it is that feelings do not always fit the facts.
The Trap of Emotional Reasoning
Emotional reasoning in relationships goes something like this: "I feel hurt, so my partner must not care about me," or "I feel distant, so our relationship must be in trouble." These conclusions seem logical when you're in the throes of intense emotion, but they are often based on a skewed perception of reality.
The problem with emotional reasoning is that it treats feelings as if they are indisputable facts.
For example, imagine your partner forgets to greet you when they come home from work. You might feel deeply hurt, and that hurt might lead you to believe that they don’t value the relationship or you. However, the reality might be far more benign—they might have been preoccupied with work or dealing with stress, with no intention of diminishing the importance of your relationship.
Why Emotional Reasoning Is Deceptive
The problem with emotional reasoning is that it treats feelings as if they are indisputable facts. But emotions are often temporary and influenced by other factors, including stress, past experiences, or even something as simple as lack of sleep. When you allow your emotions to dictate your beliefs about your partner or the state of your relationship, you risk making decisions based on an incomplete or distorted understanding of the situation.
Feelings are important, but they are just one part of the bigger picture.
For instance, if you feel unloved because your partner has been less affectionate lately, emotional reasoning might lead you to believe that they’ve lost interest or that the relationship is failing. In reality, your partner could be dealing with their own challenges—such as work pressure or health related stress—that have nothing to do with their feelings for you.
Tips to Overcome Emotional Reasoning in Relationships
Check The Facts: When strong emotions arise, take time to pause and reflect before drawing conclusions. Ask yourself if there could be other explanations for your partner’s behavior that don’t align with your initial emotional response. This can help you gain perspective and avoid jumping to conclusions.
Communicate Openly: Instead of letting your feelings fester, communicate them to your partner using soft start-ups, something we cover and practice at Holloway Marriage Workshops. Share how you’re feeling and why, but also listen empathetically to their side of the story. Often, a conversation can reveal misunderstandings or help you see the situation from a different angle.
Seek Evidence: Challenge your emotional reasoning by actively looking for evidence that contradicts your feelings. For example, if you feel unloved, remind yourself of times when your partner has shown care and affection. This can help you balance your emotional response with a more objective view of the relationship.
Practice Emotional Regulation: Learning to regulate your emotions can prevent them from overwhelming your judgment. Techniques such as mindfulness, deep breathing, or journaling can help you process your feelings without letting them dictate your thoughts or actions. This is something we definitely cover in individual counseling and at workshops.
Conclusion: Navigating Relationships with Emotional Awareness
Emotions are powerful, but they are rarely reliable indicators of the truth. In relationships, emotional reasoning can lead to false conclusions that damage trust and intimacy. By becoming aware of this thought distortion and taking steps to counter it, you can protect your relationship from unnecessary conflict and fighting.
Remember, feelings are important, but they are just one part of the bigger picture. By balancing your emotions with open communication and a willingness to see things from different perspectives, you can build a stronger, more resilient partnership.
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